Fixing the Opposition "Consistently"

Dear Natascha,

I read your emails on my blackberry with displeasure. It seems that your cronies are still making silly mistakes now and then. I was surprised that they are learning the flip-flopping nature of John Kerry, particularly on charging that blogger by the name of Gopalan Nair. The worst is that you are not banning blogger while letting him rant like a mad dog. Once again, you need to unleash our allies like Lucky Tan to deliver us from good.

For a start, you need to teach your cronies how to fix their enemies consistently so that the common people are afraid. Let's do some market research as a start. We can do an assessment of the four opposition leaders with what this blogger has written. Another blogger also told us how he feels about the four opposition leaders. Actually, to us, it's good that these four holds a seperate domain because it is easy to tear them apart when they are seperate. First of all, let's look at CST, he's getting old and thanks to our mole and his protege CSJ, he has given up but holding to a small turf. He has no more will and soon Potong Pasir will turn to us again. Second, JBJ is also old, and both CST and him are still fighting with old man over who's right or wrong. Their only reason for losing in the longer run is because unlike the old man, they have no successors or any young people who want to join their cause. That's why you have done the smartest thing by sending our top cronies to Harvard Business School so that they understand what institutional memory and leadership succession mean. So far, our Enemy has picked this group to be our adversary. Still they got loose cannons or should I called them politically inept morons like Goh Meng Seng and Chia Ti Lik who would make the opposition plight worse by being impatient.

My advice is to be consistent in the way you fix the opposition. Of course, with the powerful legislative apparatus you provided the old man and his motley crew, you can ensure these opposition leaders with lawsuits that would drive the young people away. After young Singaporeans are not like the young Americans, they would not dare to go out and vote a Obama. The young Singaporeans would hide or have no backbone to reject the poison pills (or scholarships) we prepare for them. The threat is disabled easily for these young people. As long as those talented Singaporeans are in our radar as civil servants, we don't need to worry anymore because we controlled their livelihood.

That comes to my final point. Even if we ever manage to send the Chee siblings to the asylum, we still have monkeys decrying on our enemies with the label of "approved opposition". Those monkeys don't realize that the key to beat us is to have these moderates who can take over when our cronies lose power. So, we are forever unbeatable because the opposition behave like those silly liberal democrats who got themselves screwed with party unity hitting into the dustbin.

So, we should rejoice in the word of our Evil Lord,
Uncle Screwtape

"Moral" Authority

Dear Natascha,

Thank you for sending the news on the recent defammation case between our minions on both side. I appreciate that you are now taking steps to dump those SDP clowns, particularly, in getting those who worked for us to "fix" them.

Like all evil schemes, it comes in a few steps. The first is to get those judges, well, court technicians, we call them to give us the strength of the law. I was happy that Belinda has done a brilliant job in charging the Chees with the contempt of court. I also appreciate the excellent work done by our minions to charge that Singaporean-turned American who associated the judge with a poorly thought imagery of prostitution. I have told your Uncle Rupert to stop those US politicians to come and make noise about our unfair way of treating that seditious blogger. That sets up the first step in our retaliation against our Enemy. The second step is to use our traditional media to paint the Chees in being mentally deranged. Chua Lee Hoong has done a fantastic job in creating the illusion that Chee is suffering from a psychological disorder. How did you get Chua Lee Hoong to bother about protecting our minions by writing a very poison letter out in the public? I wonder whether you have been part of whispering words into Chee's ears in making him act out the disorder. The third is to disband the SDP, which I am sure that you will get it done within weeks and months. Once we charged them to their pants dropped, those dumb peasants will feel even more helpless and go back to their pathetic lives of consumerism and materialism. Should we call for an election once the SDP is delisted from the political parties of Singapore?

Still, some of our enemies have figured our approach. They realized that the SDP is deliberately making our minions look bad. For example, in my part of the world, the old man looked like an old gangster in the Godfather Movie. The problem is that if we continue to act in the way that we disobey the law, the people will not give us the "moral mandate" to govern the country. Of course, we are evil, why do we believe in looking good? It's like we see celebrities like Heath Ledger, they look good but they are all drug addicts. So, it's important for our trade to look good but be bad. We need to start to change our image to appear benevolent again. The way to do it is to start with "good" news to fool the peasants like good tourism and high GDP growth numbers. It is imperative that we need to get some "moral authority" to further our cause of capitalism and disaster. I will propose some strategies for you to pass onto our minions.

First, spread the bribery again. Reduce taxes on the road and the food. Get NTUC to give more vouchers. We need to stop the peasants to think about the Chees but more about their livelihoods. Second, prepare to call an election in the coming year where the economy hit the rock bottom. If experience has told us, we often win elections when the economy is faltering. The peasants only turn to the PAP and no one else. If we win the next one, you can give Old Man a slack and let him poke fun at Mahatir about why he made a bad mistake for not becoming a senior minister. Third, we need to start having our minions like the Chua sisters to start blogging. Otherwise, the new media elements might create more disturbance in our dark forces. The easiest way is to start cracking down or get the new media elements to register. Forget the "light touch" and apply the "heavy hand" to silence our critics, particularly, those ex-civil servants or CEOs who are opening their big mouths on our CPF and healthcare schemes.

Evil is the heart of all things,
Uncle Screwtape

It's time to dump our SDP minions

Dear Natascha,

I have been following the recent happenings in Singapore, thanks to the Reuters article your auntie Le Fey sent me. All and all, it started with the old man and the defammation suit on our other minions again. Seriously speaking, with the judiciary under our control, why do we need to even entertain our other minions, the brainless schizoprenic monkeys from the Singapore Democrat Party? Why don't you just whisper to Belinda, the judge to just tell Chee that he is committing a breach of offence to the court? It's time to do them in, given that you have turned Chee Soon Juan into a junkie activist. Even bloggers like the Singapore Patriot are shunning him and suggesting that he should start an activist group.

The point is that the Chee family has no more value to us. It's time to end the fiasco and use the law to wind up the SDP. Who are they trying to kid? The dumb Singaporeans who are busy being bribed by us once again? Don't they know that we have the power to control everything by the Lee family like the Italian mafia?

Importantly, it's time to focus on our enemy. In fact, our little Sith Lord named Ephraim Loy in the PAP has spoken of the danger of PAP being the opposition in the Internet. We have to be careful because your minions in the PAP might make these past silly mistakes. The point is that the tactics we chose to deal with our critics like Catherine Lim are getting stale, just as she is hurling all kinds of trash at us, with her serious disappointment about the Home Minister's incompetence on the Mas Selamat Scandal. Of course, before I forget, that stupid Yaw has spoken again.

I will say that we don't need Chee and his bunch of buffons anymore because they have established the impression to the foreign media that they are bunch of cranks and crackpots. The last thing they can do is to go berserk and run amok in town. What more can we do to crush these jokers? Even a cockroach can survive a nuclear bomb, but not them. In any case, we have better things to do like making sure that the inflation will make our peasants to work harder. In fact, not helping those peasants with subsidies will ensure that welfarism is non-existent in Asia, but exploitation does exist.

Speaking of which, you better tie up with Natalie to shut the mouth of that stupid Mahatir, who have recently quitted his own UMNO party. Seriously, you should just tell the Old Man to give him a phone call and say, "You know what, Mahatir, you should have asked Badawi to make you a senior minister, and then a minister mentor like me."

In any case, I will be watching with great glee. Tell the judge to do the right thing.

Do Great Evil,
Uncle Screwtape

SDP vs PAP - The Video Fiasco

Dear Natascha,

You should not have awaken me with this latest email of yours. The notification bell on my blackberry (with the Microsoft Exchange) has been ringing so loud that I have to get out of my bed to see what it's going on. After reading the contents of your email, I realize that the other group who we control: the SDP gang is out on the mischief against the establishment (which we also control). It must be a pain for you to control two groups of people who are directly in conflict. Of course, both sides don't realize that they have fallen to our side. What the hell, a video fiasco again!

Originally, I am aware that you corrupted Chee Soon Juan and his bunch of SDP democrats to do stupid things such that the whole opposition loses credibility. However, they are getting more and more out of hand lately. I am wondering how the Media Development Authority got wind of the event that they are publicizing the political video "One Nation Under Lee". Let me make a guess, the hotel hosting the event (with those cowardly Singaporeans trying to cover their backside as usual) or some spies planted by the PAP who kept their movement in check for 24 hours.

The problem is the following. You have to start telling your minions in PAP to stop patronizing these idiots. As we have started to exploit the Internet for our purposes especially in promoting sex, drugs, pornography and violence, we have also discovered best practices in handling Internet content before it blew out of proportion.

First of all, your minions in PAP make the mistake of being filmed by those jokers of yours in SDP. By filming coupled with selective editing, your SDP cronies can make your PAP cronies look like those North Korean Secret Police force. I pity those three MDA officials you sent. They have become overnight stars in the Internet. I wonder if any anti-establishment people like taxi drivers have cursed them in public. Next time, you want to send them to pick up DVDs of banned political films, use the police to snatch all filming equipment. If those SDP goons use a mobile phone as a last ditch, their videos would be of bad quality and the public would not be able to make any sense of what has transpired. By giving those idiots so clear coverage, you are making the public more curious and sympathetic to the cause of these bunch of mad people.

Second, you are wasting time to bust these small events. The SDP gathering reminds me of a bunch of scientologists having some cultic practices about Ron Hubbard's silly drug theories. Let's deconstruct what the SDP gathering event is about. Understand that the SDP goons will invite those who are already converted to their cause. How many of them are there? Less than 50. There is a total of 4.6M people in Singapore. Divide that number, and you realize that it is insignificant to create a tipping point for them to convert the rest of them. Do you think that the typical 5C chasing Singaporean will be interested in what the opposition already say? By giving attention to these idiots when they have film launches, your minions in PAP are spurring more people to go to YouTube or Google Video and view the video "One Nation Under Lee".

Third, even if the video is online and would be spread to more people, who will be watching it? Remember only 30-40% of Singapore are English educated. There is a significant amount of people who don't even know what GIC is. Those English educated Singaporeans are so scared of the ISD that they would still vote for the PAP. Then, if you go to the next group of people, who are the bunch of Singaporeans who only speak Holkien and broken English, do you think that they can withstand Chee Soon Juan's flowery grammar and bombastic vocabulary? Sometimes, I wonder how you whisper to the Old Man about crushing his opposition. Defammation suits would be allowed. In fact, since the video is out in the open, call the lawyers and sue them until their pants dropped. I will overlook this fiasco out of my sympathy that the Old Man's wife is now in serious condition out there. Please send my best wishes to them.

Next time, if something like this happen, just take your time and send it to me in the morning UK time.

Corrupting the Bright Side of Life,
Uncle Screwtape

It's all Politics, Stupid!

Dear Natascha,

I read your letters with glee and zest. For all that matter, your uncles Mo and Dang, in China and Myanmar have written to me about the recent disasters that our Dark Lord have inflicted on them: earthquake in Sichuan province and tonardo through Myanmar. According to Mo, the ploy is to stop those Tibetan activists protesting on the Olympics torch rally. How did these activists stop trying to catch fire, where there are bigger humanitarian causes for them to sort out? For the Myanmar, it is more for population control, as we need to keep the Junta in power. So, that's why you can see two different responses from two authoritarian regimes.

While I hear these poor people out in those countries, I am amused by a piece of news which you sent to me. It's concerning one of the cronies of our enemies, Mr Yaw Shin Leong from the Hammer Party. I laughed at the stupidity of this young and idealistic politician. Is he trying to do a Barack Obama, by coming up with stupid lines like "I bring people together"? Did he not understand politics is about divisiveness and backstabbing. In fact, through my last letter to you, that dumb moron by the name of Kway Teow Man is now saying that what Yaw does is right. Thanks to him, he has totally helped us in our cause to make our enemies look stupid.
In fact, he made it so academic that there is no problem with the vote at all.

In fact, here is how you should prepare against Workers Party in the next election. Whenever Yaw contested any ward, just keep putting his fiasco on every Internet website. Start making fake soundbites about his statement, "I vote for Teo Ho Pin because he is the better guy." If we continue doing that, everyone will think that there is no way but to vote for PAP. Yes, he has told us that the PAP MP in his ward is the better guy. Perhaps, he might join the ranks of our Enemy to be the better man. But human nature is dark, selfish and at times, vicious. Perhaps, you have poisoned Kway Teow Man again to defend stupidity, like the way how he defends that the government is always right. Of course, if he is indeed a past minion in the Civil Service we controlled, then we should take advantage of his stupidity to use politics to divide and conquer. In fact, thanks to him, now Yaw is associated with the PAP. Seriously, maybe you should consider drafting him to be your mole, and we would start another round of "The Departed".

Now, you can take our movement one step further, by selling to the rest of the electorate in Singapore (who are all stupid) that the WP endorses the policies of the PAP, hence there is no need to vote for WP. What a brilliant opportunity for us to exploit on.

Let's continue the politics and make life harder for the opposition. In fact, now our only enemy will be screwed from both ends. The first end is with the main party PAP being endorsed by them and the second end is those bad foggies like CSJ and JBJ would take the BBQ skewer to stab them.

The end where all Men pay,
Uncle Screwtape

You can't handle the Truth!

Dear Natascha,

Lately, you seem to be ready to go away from Singapore for the summer holidays. You might want to come to stay with me in London, so that I can preach you more on how to handle our Enemy. From your last email, I believed that you have everything in control from the internet to defending the Minister from the uproar of the bloggers about his incompetence.

After all, why should we fire a minister and the director of Internal Security Act for such a small mistake? We need both of them to help those poor peasants to craft the necessary policies against religious fundamentalism. When I hear about all those silly bloggers asking for political freedom of the press and advocating the minister to get a pay cut, I laughed and mused to myself, "These peasants can only make noise and everything stays the same after that. It's because even among the bloggers themselves are spineless." That article from the ex-CEO of NTUC Income just made me laughed. He reminded me of that old civil servant who retired and now started to make raving criticisms against those who took over from them. These old men, like Tan Kin Lian and Ngiam Tong How should realize that they could have done something when they are in power. Looks like they never learned from the person they revered most, our Old Man in forever power. Now, they can only sit out and whinge like a disgruntled Liverpool fan who keeps bemoaning why they have not won the Premiere League for 18 years and still counting.

This whole discussion on high cost of living and equating competence with the high pay of minister's is just illogical without proper inferences, if not ridiculous. In fact, I read about people questioning how reserves should be spent. Even if we are evil, we have assigned the best and the brightest, indoctrinated from the Ivy League schools to look after them. Their helicopter vision and lack of empathy towards the poor and destitute have done us well. Why should we care whether the old are cleaning toilets out there? They need to work and they should be not given the welfare system which have caused the government in Westminster to be forever indebted and give out payouts to bribe the electorate.

You indicated your worries about the Internet being an amplifier but I can assure you that the 2008 General Election in Malaysia is an anomaly. There are a few reasons why I am not worried that bloggers are a threat. First of all, they spent their time on writing silly policy paper and not being on the ground. Second, we have bloggers who are sympathizers to the minions we appointed on the ground. For example, we see smart Ivy League graduates or perhaps former or present civil servants dressing up as a heartlander blogger, like this one here, named Kway Teow Man or some dumb peasant named Lucky Tan.

Their styles are different. Lucky Tan demonstrates the truth about Singaporeans out there, who want the government to do more for them. After all, our minions receive high pay to ensure that every Singaporean must have a home and material wealth, devoid of clear thinking and desensitized from politics. He gave us the parody that would be acknowledged by the cab driver who would be forever in PMS (Women's thing) that the Singapore government are making their lives difficult.

If Kway Teow Man is the finance minister, I might be the Minister Mentor. In fact, you should position more of these people in the blogosphere. You can always create similar variants of these faked heartlander pseudonyms (but they are actually well-paid civil servants/politicians or ex-civil servants), for example, the Mee Pok Man, the Keropok Man, the Chicken Rice Stall Seller and the Mee Siam mai hum Man. Kway Teow Man is the type who will claim that his logic about economics and insurance is right and will call everyone stupid if they don't comprehend his train of thought from his higher than thou Ivy League education. After all, he has explained to us why we should let a few men to manage the few hundred billion dollars with no accountability required and why we should not regulate the industry even if people are suffering from faulty financial instruments.

Of course, we need people like him to be around because he represents the "Colonel Jessop" from the movie "A Few Good Men". Here is what he will say if he comes out in real life. Remember the "You can't handle the truth" moment from the movie, "A Few Good Men":

"You can't handle the truth... Son, we live in a world that needs to survived with foreign investments and those investments need to be guarded by men with intelligence. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Catherine Lim, Mr Wang, The Online Citizen or Yawning Bread? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the old people who are cleaning toilets and sleeping in the void decks and curse the Singapore government; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that the incompetence about bad GIC investments and Mas Selamat's escape, while tragic, probably saved lives and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.

You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want us the PAP to stay in power, you need us to stay in power. We use words like "let's move on", "competent leadership by smart people", "safeguard our reserves", "high pay for us", "foreign talent". We use then as the backbone of a life trying to defend something. Those stupid bloggers use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the Progress packages, free education till 18 and GST offsets I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you be a quitter and get out of my elite uncaring face. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to."

It's evident that the Singaporeans can't handle the truth. Hence I am not so worried about the coming elections. Meanwhile, smell the roses in the Singapore Flyer and let the foreigners come and steal jobs from our peasants.

Hate in the Time of Malaria,
Uncle Screwtape

The Uncle Scrouge Mentality

Dear Natascha,

It seems that things are calming down. The realm of politics and external forces often works hand in hand. While the turn of events for Obama in the US has made me cringed with evil cackle, I was equally annoyed by those silly idiots who are breaking up our Olympics party in China. I have told your Uncle Mo to start changing the financial projections for the merchandise we sold for this coming event. Revenues are dipping once again, but we would be sure to get it back through other ways and means.

While trawling through the Internet, I was reading your latest juxtaposition with great pleasure on how you got the Prime Minister of Singapore to talk about the lessons learnt from the Internet. In fact, what made the article brilliant, was not about how the Singapore government is planning to regulate it. In fact, your war room must be littered with people coming up with new policies for the Ministry of Information, Communication and the Arts (MICA) to ensure that the Internet has minimal, if not, negligible effect in the upcoming Singapore elections in 2011. The most impressive is the spin on making opposition politicians like Chiam See Tong (who is going to die without a successor after we destroyed his party with an insurgent idiot named Chee), Low Thia Kiang (complain and offer no solutions) and Sylvia Lim (with her reserved aka keep quiet attitude). The point is that these people offered no replies and are letting us steam roll them with our little chunks of propaganda.

While we keep the ball on making the opposition look bad as usual, the bloggers are starting a new war on the establishment. Some even claimed that we are like a iceberg, floating with a little portion but submerging with most of it below. Yet, no matter how these dumb bloggers whinge and whine, they would not understand the underlying currents of Singapore politics. In fact, I believe that you have done a great job in understanding Singaporeans. First, they loved money and second, they only want short term gains.

As long as we can erase their memory with the micro funding we offer them in the name of Progress Package, GST offset and Singapore shares, they would forget about all the injustice that we would have done to them. For example, I liked your application of the Uncle Scrouge mentality which is the miser attitude towards all financial transcations on the peasants. First, tell them that we are giving food vouchers and free meals to them. Second, when these poor folks come to our lions' den, we give them hell by saying that you are not members of NTUC and therefore, they are not eligible to pay. Finally, charge them a small fee for the vouchers. In the end, we only give away 50 cents, but made ourselves look good for champion the poor and helpless. We need to be like Scrouge because we need to keep our billion dollar town council funds and the multi-billion dollar for the acquisition of investment banks and corporations out there.

Continue our good work. In fact, the F1 race and Youth Olympics are coming. We would be making a killing and perhaps extend the giving away from 50 cents to 75 cents. Then, by the next election, the word "change" is forgotten.

Poor is a psychological condition,
Uncle Screwtape

Knee Jerk Economics

Dear Natascha,

The week has passed by slowly, with all these stupid investment banks dragging themselves out of the subprime crisis. While sipping my favourite Earl Grey tea, I was amused to hear from your cousin Rupert who managed to do Osama, er, Obama in with the "bitter" remark. At the rate that this is going, we are going to score a winning victory against our Enemy. After all, the Republicans are better at invading other countries and raising hostilities with China.

I was talking to a senior demon in China, who was complaining about the liberal and degenerating western media for wrongly "reported" the events in Tibet. Our enemy made the smartest move by instigating those handsome Hollywood stars like Richard Gere to make noise. Speaking of which, I am happy about your performance in getting the Prime Minister to kowtow to the Chinese government. Actually, I don't need his bootlicking, because the West would dare to do nothing. After these stupid western multi-national companies spilled so much money on the 2008 Olympics, they would put pressure on their governments to shut up. Who cares about human rights when you have the money?

That comes to my next point. I am surprised that it took you that long to get the Indian Finance Minister to make the knee jerk response for raising the S$ against the US$. Our Enemy must be stupid to think that we have a long term vision in doing this. The reason is that we are afraid that the inflation rates will make the peasants feel angrier against your minions. If he does not make the knee jerk response, the people will suffer, and I just found out that the rice prices have gone up by 80% last Friday.

This is the time to ensure that our Enemy is poorer. With a stronger S$, your sovereign wealth fund GIC can make more donations to falling investment banks. You have to be more careful because our Enemy has started a propaganda war on your sovereign wealth fund. They have indicated the relationship between the former Goldman Sachs head and the current CIO of Temasek thru the double headed snake NY Times who seemed to heap praise or sarcasm on us in different times.

Continue the knee jerk economics, and you must start to control the rich poor divide in Singapore such that you can prevent the same stupid landslide that happened in Malaysia last month.

Politics serve Evil,
Uncle Screwtape

Succession is all about grades

Dear Natascha,

I read your letter with full of glee and joy yesterday. You have reiterated that this whole fiasco from the newspaper on the leadership transition in Singapore is to change the subject in the country. After all, you have already utilized the old man to cover the Home Minister's ass for the moment. By turning the fault on the whole escape of the terrorist to the people, you have stopped the peasants in questioning why the members of parliament and top civil servants are drawing exorbitant salaries. Of course, do these dumb peasants know that only the most incompetent and talk only people can be in the high position jobs? Otherwise, why do people always say that the CEO is just a salesman, not a leader?

Yes, the real interesting issue is about the leadership succession. Your current chief executive, the prime minister, son of the Old Man, has once again come out to talk about what he wants in a leader for the next generation and the current brain drain situation. Of course, he must be crazy to divulge the real reasons on why there is so much political apathy in Singapore. First, his party has totally destroyed the credibility of crazy opposition leaders like JBJ and Chee and ostracized the moderate opposition party for holding a bicycle event. Second, his predecessor and a top civil servant by the name of Bhavani have thrown a heavy sledgehammer on Catherine Lim and Mr Brown. Third, their calibrated coercion approach have made smart people to give up on being part of politics. After all, with such good stability, I think that you should whisper to him that he and his party should continue to be complacent. If you keep spewing crap to the people by telling them "The PAP is the best political party to bring you jobs and stability", they would not need to worry that the recent Malaysian anomaly would affect them. In fact, coupled with those useless activists, he does not need to worry because they are still gutless to join politics, and if you want an example, check this one and that one out.

The last point is about why he should continue our doctrine of wanting people with good A level grades and not smart people to be in the next generation of Singapore leadership. First and foremost, we want to decide the fate of a Singaporean by their A levels, because they are at the age of being the most easily indoctrinated type. After all, once you feed them with a scholarship in a Ivy League university and a top notched civil service career, they would have no choice but to be our minions. After all, being a top student in A levels just tell us that these are students who have no chances of winning great accolades i.e. they lack innovation and smartness. If they are that smart, they would already be coming with fantastic political science theories that would rock Harvard or Yale or become fields medalists below 40. So, the only reason why we want high A level grade students are because they lack street smart and would become the type of people close to those dumb investment bankers who cook up a sham called the subprime mortgage crisis.

I am often afraid that our Enemy might engineer a few people with street smart and lower grades (with the tenacity and perseverance that will turn them to Steve Jobs or Ronald Reagan) to disrupt our system. The Old Man was once like these people on the other side, until his whole team was corrupted by us.

Ultimately, good grades in A levels just tell us that they are muggers and useless self-serving people who know nothing of the world. That's good enough for Singapore because the peasants are equally brainless with their 3rd world mentality of bad service and greed and first world infrastructure that serve the rich and famous.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions,
Uncle Screwtape

Cabinet Reshuffle and the GIC Debacle

Dear Natascha,

Looks like Murphy's law is inundating our minions lately. First, there was the over amount of taxation that led to public unhappiness over a large surplus. Second, you lost one of the most wanted terrorists in town and there is no public account on what happened (except with that wayang enquiry that was set up). Third, our trusted UBS have failed us with their US$19B write down.

I understand that you are going to rebut me that the UBS deal made by the sovereign wealth fund GIC was a good one. After all, the peasants have no lack of understanding on how we have complexified things on the derivatives. In fact, you will tell me about that US$990M coupons that can be exercised as convertibles within the next two years. Remember, it is within the next two years, and now the CEO of UBS is stepping down. It looks like GIC has screwed themselves, and my only solution to this mess, is to for GIC to make another round of cash injection and this time round, be smart, go and take a board seat so that they would not screw things around. Those idiotic investment bankers within our side have made blunders after blunders lately. So, I will leave you to clean up the mess once again.

Now that comes to my next point about the cabinet reshuffle that has happened recently. The first thing I was not happy with is that you did not demote the Home Minister. That guy seemed to have made so much mistakes recently that I don't even know where to start. The Mas Selamat incident was the tipping point. If that is not funny, how about putting an arrogant manpower minister to become education minister? Did I not tell you that we need to satisfy those well-educated feminists by promoting one of them to be a cabinet minister? Now, even your mouthpieces are whining about the lack of a female cabinet minister.

It has also dawned on me that you have decided who you would eventually want to be the next prime minister of Singapore. If I have guessed your intentions corrently, it's either the defence minister Teo, the new education minister Ng, or the financial minister Tharman. They seemed to be reasonable choices for the next PM. Well, I don't really care about who it would be as long as they served our interests like crushing the opposition and short-changing every Singaporean on dollars and cents from GST to CPF.

I look forward to hear good and not bad news from you.

The Lies are in You,
Uncle Screwtape

Giving Virtual Space in a Crowded Island

Dear Natascha,

I read with pleasure yesterday that one of your ministries started a new digital interactive media initiative called co-space where the Singapore government encourage schools, industries and government agencies to develop projects that would link up both the real and virtual worlds. My sense is that this is one of your many attempts to "enlarge" the space so that the Singaporeans don't feel ostracized by the rising costs of living and the threat of foreigners who we paid to replace the dying population. The idea is slightly better than the other agency under our minions called A-STAR on search engines.

Seriously, I don't see why you place so much emphasis in making your minions to continue this fruitless science and technology development to an island. After all, this Disney Land of yours with a death penalty is traditionally a trading port, founded by one of my minions, Sir Stamford Raffles. At that point of time, his job for East India Trading Company (a multi-national corporation of that time and one of our outfits in business, compare that to the Tata group today) was out to colonize countries for resources. Singapore is meant to be a traditional port, a place where we export and import goods and a financial hub for us to launder tonnes of money whether they are from the Middle East, Russia, India or China. It is impossible for a small island with so little critical mass to build a research centre.

But the virtual space idea has some credence, I might add. First of all, it is a method to give young and cynical individuals to rant somewhere where the rest of the world don't hear them. The earliest version of such people, we called them the bloggers. Maybe the next generation of ranters would be called avatars in the virtual space. Of course, just like the politicians, we also co-opt the best and hippest to serve in our mouthpieces' (SPH and MediaCorp) ranks. If you have not realized, Xiaxue was blogging for us sometime back in STOMP. Now we dumped her as well. Remember how we threw a heavy sledge hammer at Mr Brown.

Second, virtual worlds are just fads which we placed to move people to do something else, while forgetting what's happening in the real world. The poor Singaporeans are now waiting for April Fool's day to get their cash, how ironic.

Lastly, if you are a talent in this area, where would you be? You can learn to be like this Malaysian foreign talent, who exploited your system to get a better life in America and spent his time making cynical and critical remarks about Singapore and that egomanical monkey servant of yours named Philip Yeo.

In the end, when the casinos are finally up, this whole fad of an innovation and research hub of yours would end. Unless you are thinking of paying those useless old foggies scientists from the US (who also left our shores like Sir David Lane) with our casino money, then it would come back to my hypothesis that Singapore's role in the world is not an innovation hub, but a third world trading port and financial centre for southeast asia.

Thick Face & Black Heart,
Uncle Screwtape

New Strategies of Calibrated Coercion

Dear Natascha,

It looks like change is going on with the various political landscapes in Asia from Pakistan to Taiwan. I just heard from your Uncle Mo in Taiwan that they dumped the party of Chen Shui Bian and now elected a new guy (who's on our side) named Ma Ying-jeou into the Taiwan presidency. What I liked about him is that he is coaxing his own kind to join back the communist regime we installed in mainland China many years back. That will mean new capitalist expansion for us, for that dumb Chen kept touting the independence of Taiwan. That will provide new battleground for us to deal with our enemies in the United States.

Of course, I was annoyed by our Enemy's assistance to Barack Obama with his speech on race. I told Rupert to get our mouthpiece in US (Fox News and CNN) to start the smearing. I thought that Rupert's idea of calling Bill Richardson "Judas" was funny. It worries that this Obama fever is now hitting the guillible young Singaporeans in your territory. I told Rupert to spend more time to help Hillary Clinton to beat him and the only way is to use divisive tactics and inexperience to tear down this half black and half white man. After all, who needs change and better politics where the old school of divide and conquer matters?

That is why I wrote to you. Of course, I wonder which idiot from the Other Side has told Cherian George the central tenet of our strategy to hold power: calibrated coercion. With the Obama fever hitting Singapore, we need new ways and means to deal with these people. I believe that the way to do this is to have a new Chee Soon Juan among the ranks of the bloggers and we would use our old ways of defamation and character assassination to send this individual to hell.

What is the pragmatic implementation you might ask, my dear niece. First, as usual, start with the goodies again. First, you bribed the Singaporeans in April like what you did before in the last elections, while keeping your GST and tax hikes after the election. Of course, now with the impact of Natalie's incompetence with the Malaysians, you need to give goodies during non-election years. Second, start useless charity foundations like this one called NTUC foundation and create low cost mini-marts to sell poor quality groceries to look like that the ruling party cares about the poor. After all, isn't this really funny that we own the unions which are supposed to be independent? Third, prepare the next Obama to be destroyed. I have a few choices which you can start working on: Mr Brown, Mr Wang, Yawning Bread (given that he saw through our Internal Security Act tactic) and Aaron Ng (since he is a supporter of this so-called change politics). These people can urge big crowds, and so we start with illegal assembly and tonnes of military mobilization to jail those young idealistic idiots (likely we only get a handful and not 2,000 to 3,000 students in the Tiananmen massacre)

Use this strategy of calibrated coercion wisely and effectively, you must give some and take more. Why do I mean that? You can liberalize porn but then attack the liberals like Catherine Lim. You can jail our indoctrinated SDP members to induce fear to the populace. You can try to acquire Google or Yahoo! to get the search records and those pseudonym bloggers who have been thwarting our Internet efforts. Always have two classes of members of parliament: those like Lily Neo who would fight for the poor and those cabinet ministers who don't want to give public assistance to the poor and elderly. After all, why care where they are all white and not black? Worst case scenario, you can try to convert bloggers to join us, perhaps get Xiaxue to run for elections.

No matter how Singaporeans try, they would fail to change the politics of divisiveness to politics of hope. That's because we have locked them in a third class world with our calibrated coercion and bribes.

Hate is the answer to all problems,
Uncle Screwtape

On Double Dealing Government Linked Companies and Retired Civil Servant

Dear Natascha,

What a bad Friday this was. Once again, it was another year that our Enemy have managed to further their existence. I once recalled back long time, I took time to write a set of letters to a younger demon on how to corrupt a minion on the other side. However, we still have to work on such long days.

Recently, everyone has been hammering on the credibility of our mouthpieces, from Cherian George (that academic seem to have an understanding called calibrated coercion) to that retired hypocrite former civil servant named Ngiam Tong How. All these people can do would only be talk, talk and talk. I did made a point earlier about why Ngiam Tong How, a self-praised mandarin of the Civil Service can only talk but do nothing against the establishment. He is sounding like a broken record, trying to set things right after joining us for messing up the system from scholars to the bureaucracy of the Civil Service. With the high salaries we gave him, he had already become part of our machinery to continue the work of our Dark Lord.

If he is such an accomplished civil servant, he would have realized why we would never liberalize our mouthpieces. The answer is simple: Power. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. It made me cringe with these hypocritical so-called civil society old folks started to rail against the government, but with an inherent desire that they wish to be armchair critics. If Ngiam that old barking dog is not with us, then he is against us. Going around and making useless speeches like these would not help. He must be given a rebuke. You need to start getting the Old Man out to teach him a lesson, or let Ngiam have a gaffe such that we can create tremendous press to discredit him.

Let me change the subject to businesses in your disney land with a death penalty. I heard that one of our telecommunications companies have secured the contract for the Champions League. I notice that the local agencies have started a campaign to teach ESPN, the foreign corporation which we seduced here with exemption of taxes. First, Starhub has double dealed against ESPN with the Premiere League and now Singtel with the Champions League. These companies are so silly. Looks like one of our minions Murdoch has gotten the right idea to take over media companies and control the cable television. I am amazed on how we set up trojan horses for these foreign companies which turned up here in Singapore. The only possibility of survival is to use Singapore as a HQ and put casinos to get these top executives in these foreign corporations to pay us indirect taxes.

I am not happy now with the news that the Soverign Wealth Funds of Singapore and UAE are now compromising with the government of US. It would make life difficult for our money operation in the future.

Bad Bad Friday,
Uncle Screwtape

Taking the heat off the Incompetent

Dear Natascha,

It's not a good week to write this letter, as we are close to the holiday of our Enemy. After all, they need to pass sermons and hymns to celebrate their success against our evil Lord. I always hope that there are no holidays so that we can drive people to overwork and hate their lives.

So, our converted people from the SDP have taken a confrontational front against our minions. The mad woman who we have slowly indoctrinated is now demanding that our barking dogs to produce evidence about her famous "bite". Of course, her poor chinese education did not tell her that if we want to add crimes on them, it's so easy. It's so simple to ensure that they would get more offenses. Proof? Where?

I see that you are trying to get the Home Minister on the good books with the people. But I do not understand why he is making useless speeches on asking policymakers to take risks and be willing to experiment. Did he not know that the Civil Service, one of our unholy trinity, pride on being anal-retentive, bureaucratic, boring and inflexible? They are trained since the beginning to take orders and to take cover so that they would do no maverick. All they are just shells, graduated with the finest degrees from the Ivy Leagues but end up as useless walking machines everyday doing boring work. Did you not see how we waste pretty faces with top degrees to bring foreign guests around in the Economic Development Board like some whores? Of course, how can we have an unfair inquiry on the escape of that terrorist?

Enough of our slaves. I have read with displeasure that the blogosphere is now spreading news about the old and poor people. Did I not tell you that you need to get all these useless old men and women to old folks home or some random hospices where they could not be seen? Now they are lurking all around for our Enemies to start featuring them on the blogs. Of course, with our need to boost our own finances, thanks to the subprime mess in Wall Street, we cannot increase the public assistance fund. Be sure to tell that minister of yours to stone wall on that. Use excuses like "We cannot give money because that would erode our work ethic" such that the other Singaporeans can do nothing but sympathize with these old folks. As long as the rest of the populace are willing to vote us in, we can have our minions paid high salaries and continue our fee and tax hikes whatever we damn hell please.

So, it's not a good Friday to come, and do continue to spin our lies and deceit, spread the word of our Evil Lord and weave more misery for the middle class with rising costs of living.

Ultimately, victory is ours if we savour it.

Hate is the best medicine,
Uncle Screwtape

Global Markets, Tibet and Opposition Down Our Throats

Dear Natascha,

I read your new email with guffaw. That's because our mouthpieces are continuing with the falsehoods which we want them to propagate on the opposition. It pleases me to see them screaming in pain and anger. Together with our own placements in cyberspace, for example, the grassroots pro-PAP member named Lucky Tan, SDP is associated with words like militant and trouble makers.

Don't these morons ever learn? There are two kinds of people who we corrupt. First, the ones who are in power and those who have resorted to extreme methods and justified their own crap with freedom and democracy. Now, they have lost some money again to us. Every $1000 bail they pay are feeding our dogs to bark louder at them. So much for those monkeys. Their existence is to help us to ensure that the other moderate party (belong to our Enemy) would be smeared together.

A lot of things have happened in the past 24 hours. Just when the investment banks affected by the subprime mortgage crisis (Merrill Lynch, Citigroup and UBS) were covered by your sovereign wealth funds (GIC and Temasek), now another mess started popping up. Now, Bear Stearns is now acquired at US$2 by another investment bank, JP Morgan. I told Rupert to continue the chaos and get the Federal Reserve to continue cutting interest rates. Of course, we have a sinister motive in mind. With the US$ reduced, we would induce livelihood problems for every one else who is on our Enemy's side. I expect you to activate our soverign wealth funds for new fresh investments.

I believe that you need to start looking around your own backyard. The housing market in Singapore is reaching a standstill. It would be important to remind the Minister for housing to start controlling prices, before the bubble of the housing boom begin to bust. That comes to something which comes to my attention. How did you let those people in Gillman Heights protest against the en-bloc? Looks like your en-bloc lies have finally caught up with you. Still, you have managed to convince those greedy Singaporeans to cash out with their houses and downgrad to poorer houses. Of course, do keep track of these losers who would start voting our minions to power again.

The other issue which I need to notify you is the Tibet issue. Those human rights idiots from our Enemy side are making noise again. I know why they are up to. Their reason is to stop the Chinese from making the Olympics happen. Do make sure that our Enemy don't get the United Nations involved. I believe your uncle in China would stone wall and continue with military crackdown with those protesters and if possible, gun them down.

Continue our work with flourishing evil,
Uncle Screwtape

Victors as King and Losers as Slaves

Dear Natascha,

I have just read your email this morning after you notified about the "protest" happened outside the parliament house. As you understand that it is still morning to have a cup of English Breakfast over here in London, I decided to defer my letter to you later. The Internet is a beautiful piece of technology that has enhanced the frontline between our Enemy and us. Speed, as my Chinese counterpart lingering in China told me, is the key to our victory.

Seriously, I laughed out loud at the protest happened in the Parliament House. It's just 20 people. This is nothing compared to how our enemy has mobilized half a million protestors when we managed to seduce George and Tony both to launch the war in Iraq. How can 20 people made such a difference? In fact, our mouthpieces (Straits Times and Channel News Asia) are so disgraceful in putting up so little pictures for these clowns, with their typical brand of smearing, consider our enemy (The Online Citizen) have done a better job in making them look like idiots with videos.

What really made me laugh all the time, is that these idiots from the Singapore Democratic Party could actually bite the hand that helps them (TOC) by sending internet assassins to smear them by association with our minions. That baffles me sometimes about human nature, although we firmly believe that human nature is evil, from the day, our Enemy threw Adam and Eve down to Earth. Actually, you should start whisper to our mouthpiece to be as bold as these SDP sympathisers so that the Singaporeans can start feeling more helpless about their situation and more hopeless that they would always be colonized by the ruling oligarchy called PAP. In fact, to stop the minions of our Enemy like Cherian George to criticise our mouthpiece for lack of credibility, they should post more youtube videos and flickr photos to boost their nothing left reputation for being a yes-man.

I mused to myself when I heard this blogger made this remark which smacks of cowardice and that's the reason why these opposition would fail. Even their sympathisers are making a quick run when our barking dogs (the police) have taken control of the situation:

"Then one by one, the police arrested each member of the group that locked arms. There were around 15 arrests in total. I did not photograph the arrests itself as I was myself decked in red and did not wish to approach closer. Pseudonymity the blogger did a superb job of that.

I sat down, stunned and shocked at the sheer high-handedness of the police. Someone came up to me and said LaMei and I should change out of our red T-shirts, lest we get arrested as well.

Later on, when the police dispersed, we changed back to normal attire, and wanted to head to Cantonment with some friends who were next of kind of the protesters to find out more.

Just then, a Straits Times reporter came up to me and abruptly asked me, why have I changed back to normal attire?"

You see, this is the reason why the cabinet ministers who served us are always winning the number of seats in the parliament. Even if those dumb peasants out there can cough out 50% of the vote, they cannot take out the GRC poison well we made for them. In fact, someone (must be an operative under our Enemy) has demonstrated the statistical reasoning behind our secret for success. In fact, the real reason of our success is to have "competent" ministers to anchor on each and everyone of these GRC, and that would ensure that the peasants would have no choice but to vote for our cause.

My Chinese counterpart once told me of this saying, “胜者为王 败者为寇” and no matter what these miniscule opposition tried to do on World Consumer Rights Day event, they would bound to fail. In fact, you can always rub salt on their wounds by conning a few of those European expatriates to do the same thing and have no interference from the police. That would continue to tell these monkeys that we have a double standards treatment, but telling them straight on the face, "So what, we are the government, and we can do whatever we please even if we can let these ang-mohs protest and you can."

While all these little fiascos are happening, I am happy to hear from you that you have gotten your useless Home Minister to stone wall on the inquiry.

Evil laughter all over,
Uncle Screwtape

Damage Control Begins

Dear Natascha,

Looks like your new efforts for a PR offensive with the Singaporeans have begun. I was taking a peek on our prestigious mouthpiece and saw that a cabinet minister has made one of those patronizing remarks that it is healthy to ask if government is doing enough. I am dead certain that they would be doing "enough" to ensure that no GRC would fall into the hands of our enemy. In fact, I was musing to myself that the government started spreading scientific fallacies like recent heavy rain not caused by global warming. Already our number one grassroots supporter Lucky Tan has told his fellow peasants that voting for the opposition would have severe impact on the economy.

Already some of the bloggers like that wimpy Mr Wang have raised the white flag before the propaganda from our enemy has started on the bloggers in setting them to move to politics. If you have not read, one of these centrist bloggers already started to make politically correct comments like "The strength of the local blogging community is that they are non-political. Once you have bloggers entering politics, it undermines the purity of blogging, because bloggers are supposed to be neutral." What purity is that. Let me issue a word of sense to such stupidity of this blogger in general. Either you are with us or you are against us.

Standing on a fence is just silly. Of course, the better joke comes from the so-called Singapore Democratic Party who asked the peasants to hope. False hope is what they are preaching, because you have already converted them to our side, by being our indirect proxies to screw the friends of our enemy. Did they not realize that the fact that we have already controlled the economics of the country would ensure that we would hold them to their balls? Ultimately, Singaporeans are worried about their livelihoods. Looks like your understanding of economics supercede your cousin Natalie who made a mess in Malaysia with corruption and rising costs of living.

In our evil world where we corrupt the smartest to be the dumbest like what your cousin Rupert has successfully sent the famous Eliot Spitzer (hero from our enemy side in his attempts to hammer our investment banks and insurance companies) into shame with that prostitute ring. Man can resist anything except temptation. Now he is back to the typical politician's excuse of spending time with his family.

While you spent your time to "fix" the opposition, I would urge you to look north to see how the flu epidemic that our Evil Lord has unleashed on Hong Kong. Of course, make sure your minions, particularly the Health Minister do not screw up like the Home Minister last week. If you are on cruise control on stopping the bleeding for our domination, we would not need to worry about those silly bloggers making empty vessels and stay neutral.

Lust, my favourite sin,
Uncle Screwtape

Fearmongering 101: Black Monday and Stock Market

Dear Natascha,

Your cousin Natalie is becoming the death of me. Yesterday, after the surprising tsunami that changed the Malaysian political landscape, the Malaysian stock markets have suffered a big slump. With some of our cronies gone, the investors (who bribed our cronies) are planning an exit strategy. She was afraid that our evil Lord would send her to exile to another outpost, perhaps, Bhutan, where she could do nothing there. With the Barisan Nasional (BN) coalition winning only 63%, our financial operations might take a big hit pretty soon coupled with the horrible subprime mortgage crisis from the United States.

I see Black Monday for the Kuala Lumpur Composite Index (KLCI) as a new opportunity rather than a crisis for us. I can only blame on those spineless investment bankers from Goldman Sachs and Merrill Lynch for taking the chance to tell their investors that it was time to cash out. Of course, the investors are afraid that their pork barrel projects in the Malaysia economic zones would fall apart, and hence they start to take cover. It is a herd effect, as I see it. Our Enemy has made some efforts to rebut us, particularly, those MPs in the opposition from Penang has already started with the message that they would welcome investment. It is not enough because all those management consultants, investment bankers and industry leaders are all on our side. In fact, it is a perfect ploy for you to plan your strategy for the next Singapore General Elections in 2011.

The keyword is fearmongering. You can start with George, your favourite closet liberal foreign minister, by talking up that a political change in Singapore would cause problems in the economy. You need to hammer this slowly like how those epidemics start from small interactions and subsequently hitting the tipping point. If we do it slow and steady, by 2011, the peasants would start thinking that if they are constantly made to fear that if they elect the opposition parties and win one more GRC, the Singapore ST Index will fall and jobs will be lost. Spin it more with high unemployment rates and high risk of losing foreign investment from the US and China and once again, we would win 82 out of 84 seats in the parliament. Trust me, with how brainless and money-faced Singaporeans are, you can imagine where their votes would end up. Of course, always end with the Minister Mentor and his gangster message that the opposition would send Singapore to hell if they won the elections.

You might need some grassroots support, for example, Lucky Tan, to continue telling the blogosphere how good the Singapore government is and what a big risk that the Malaysian voters are taking or try the bimbo blogger, Molly Meek, with her singing praises of the Prime Minister's leadership. The other bloggers will cry foul of fearmongering but continue to do that would be fantastic.

I am not so worried about you, because the opposition in Singapore is not business friendly. As long as they don't understand economics, they would always lose. After all, what's freedom of speech if you cannot feed yourself? As long as they have no understanding of business, they are no way close to those people in Penang. That would be the key to how we utilise stock market crises for our own benefit.

Continue on our evil work, as chaos only serve us better on the long run.

With no intended pun,
Uncle Screwtape

Mapping out the Strategy for the next General Elections 2011

Dear Natascha,

I called your cousin Natalia yesterday and gave her a dressing down, as instructed by our Evil dark Lord. I cannot believe that she has made a big mess with the Malaysian General Elections held last Saturday. How can the political landscape in Malaysia changed within one night? I am disappointed that our minions in Barisan Nationalis have lost two thirds of the majority for a ruling coalition and now even our ex-minion Dr Mahatir has lashed out at his own successor, asking him to step down. I know why he did that, because he has always wanted Najib. Thanks to the Malay voters, who decided that they had enough with the UMNO, they have changed sides for the first time, and gave us the perfect storm which caused us to lose our turf in Malaysia.

The reason why I wrote to you, is because I have started to see some bloggers like this one (who keeps calling himself Dr) in Singapore starting to use this as an incident to revolt against our minions here in Singapore. You know the consequences, my dear niece. Should we got a GRC lost in the next Singapore General Elections 2011, I fear that my Lord would punish you with eternal pain. In Malaysia, I heard that the bloggers who had contested for the general election like that one called Jeff Ooi (who Natalie failed to silence). So, I urge you to stop being complacent like that useless Minister of Home Affairs and start bouncing back for the coming times.

Here are some strategies which I would like you to start executing:

• Putting Legislation and Regulation on New Media: Start the registration act, and ostracize the bloggers. I am not so worried about bloggers like Catherine Lim, Mr Brown, Dr Huang, Mr Wang and even those fellas in The Online Citizen joining the opposition and starting to contest elections. Given past history, they are gutless and fearful of losing their well-endowed lives and become like Chee Soon Juan and JBJ. In fact, if any blogger tries to do a Jeff Ooi, we would make sure that our defamation lawsuits and dirty political tactics (fearmongering, gerrymandering and pork barrel politics to bribe the grassroots and useless peasants) would prevail. You must start to tell your minion to drop the light touch approach and throw a heavy hand. Also start co-opting some bloggers to the Dark Side, for example, Kway Teow Man and Bart since they talked like the government's mouthpiece.
• Make sure the GRC boundaries are properly drawn: Be sure that the electoral map must be made in the advantage of the PAP. Make sure this time for Aijunied, please carve a bigger part from Marine Parade such that Goh would have 66.6% of the popular vote, while George Yeo would hit 60% of the popular vote too!
  
• Give more "ang-pows" to the people like the God of Fortune: Of course, this year, that Indian Finance minsiter in the government is now handing out money again to bribe the populace. Of course, we can always introduce stealth taxes in transport and also start to tighten our grassroots people. You need to start getting smarter Yes-men, and not those who would go and invest the town council funds into stock markets. Of course, you must give away more money to look poor, so that the people have forgotten about how rich our sovereign wealth funds: Temasek and GIC are. From now to 2011, start having GSToffset, tax rebates and Progress packages for Singaporeans every year. Buying their loyalty needs slow bribery of three years.
  
• Fire those incumbent and incompetent ministers in the name of leadership transition: That prime minister has already indicated that he need to get the 4th generation leadership in place. It is time to fire the old and dead wood. I do think that the old man is becoming a liability. Of course, you do not know what the double faced SM Goh is doing. I am afraid that he might do a Mahatir on his successor. First thing first, fire that useless Minister of Home Affairs.
  

After all these strategies are mapped out to you, please execute them. By the way, make sure that your ministers are not dumb enough like the Malaysian one who called bloggers "monkeys". Remember the Macaca incident in the US which caused a senator to lose his job and bid for presidency.

Your Evil Uncle,
Screwtape

Time to Select those new Yes-men

Dear Natascha,

Thankfully, the crisis is still ongoing. But I read with pleasure about your latest letter on the release of the GCE 'A' level results. Once again, it is that time of the year to select new scholars from the top junior colleges in Singapore for our gigantic bureaucratic machine.

Of course, since the dawn of time, we have planned it in such a way that the best and the brightest would have no choice but to go for these bonded scholarships (which we made them suffer later at the ends of their bureaucratic and double faced seniors in Ivy League schools). Oftentimes, I am happy with the selection but sometimes, the system will spit out those who would rebel the system (for example, that little spoilt brat who insulted that ex-chairman from the A-STAR and some loser scholars serving out their painful bonds). Sometimes, I wonder how 18 year old kids can be so dumb to sign their future away to our minions.

Perhaps, they are poor but smart. Even if they got the scholarships and do well in the Ivy League, with the wrong family name or background, where would they go? Didn't the retired Justice's daughter is now the chairperson of a board now? Did they not realize that their parents have already determined their capped ceiling for them when they signed their lives away? Of course, these morons are cast in the limelight of our favourite mouthpiece with their success stories. Vanity is my favourite sin, as we cast these spoilt brats from the top junior colleges (fanned together by greed and lust for glory and a trophy in getting a scholarship), they would fall to our temptation. I do recall a distant past where a little midget named Gayle who signed on with the Dark Side. That's how powerful we are. No matter how much integrity and backbone these young 18 year olds claim to have, we would shatter and break them to become our evil minions. Who would be so stupid to refuse big money in the far future where they are promoted to permanent secretaries and members of parliament?

I must say that your way of indoctrinating these kids to become part of our machinery is amazing. With the help of your cousins in London and New York, you have led these young kids to the realm of taking drugs (for once) or become pornographic stars (like that young girl named Annabelle Chong). Of course, who would not be impressed that we have made them go wild, particular the women (of some who broke their bonds to be comfort women for their caucasian husbands). Of course, your way of organizing them within their own cliques will pave their way to ignore the influence of western media and stop them for being led astray. Of course, we would lose a few of them to our Enemy in the name of western democracy.

Continue with our efforts and you would be rewarded with elites who would continue to be a bunch of spineless fools to the policies which would harm the peasants of the country.

Deep in Vanity,
Uncle Screwtape

Making Good News out of nothing at All

Dear Natascha,

Finally, some good tidings from you. Your sovereign wealth fund, GIC has finally controlled 9.5% in UBS. Finally, the Europeans have finally accepted the fact that they would be colonized. Of course, with UBS done, Citigroup and Merrill Lynch would be in our hands. We need to spin new financial derivatives to generate hype and bust economies for our money laundering operation.

Speaking of which, our mouthpiece have now changed the tone of news for the past few days. First, you got them to tell everyone that Singapore is the best place to live for Asia expats. Definitely, with the expensive casinos from Sands and Genting spreading their golden goose to lay eggs here and the F1 race running around the faked London Eye-lookalike called Singapore Flyer, we would want to get more of those people here. Once the new immigrants come, particularly the rich and the famous, you would start to see more liberalization, maybe you can start to whisper to the leaders that it's time for soft core pornography in Singapore.

I saw the second news about that 4th University going to be a medium size one here. Honestly, this method of appeasing the peasants with another university to put their kids in would not work. If they get a little richer, they would send them to those fun-loving Australian universities, particularly ANU and UNSW. My guess is that with so many universities, the government would generate more no-brain knowledge workers for the high tech jobs to be outsourced away from India to Singapore. That's of course the wishful thinking in the leaders' head.

The final good news which I think that you have made the peasants slow forgetting about the incompetence of the Home Minister is the idea of consumers will get greater protection under a strengthened law covering fair business practices. Of course, you would continue to put bad taxi drivers, bad restaurant waiters and waitresses and bad service providers from the banks to the fashion boutique shops that would irritate the hell out of the peasants.

Let congratulate on the good news you start to propagate.

Bad Luck Awaits,
Uncle Screwtape

Short of Yes Men Lately?

Dear Natascha,

We have been corresponded a lot with each other lately. Our dark Lord has asked me to put more attention into the events happening on your little red dot. He was unhappy about the performance of the Home Minister and asked me why you have persuaded the Old Man to fire him. After all, in the United Kingdom, where I am humbly from, any minister who committed a mistake would be ransacked by the press. Oh I forgot, you don't have a credible press to start off with in the first place.

That comes to my other point. That independent commission of inquiry you have assembled was disappointing and provided additional ammunition for the peasants, particularly those bleeding hearts like Mr Wang to start moaning and whinging about it. Let me recall the list of three commission members appointed to carry out the inquiry: retired High Court judge Goh Joon Seng, former Commissioner of Police Tee Tua Ba, who is now Singapore's Ambassador to the United Arab Emirates, and Dr Choong May Ling, Deputy Secretary (Security and Corporate Services) of the Ministry of Home Affairs.

The first two appointees looks independent at least from the face. But the last one is really shooting yourself in the foot. Even a five year old kid can tell you that it is a conflict of interest. I know your strategy. To ensure a hearing that bears no consequences for that useless home minister, you need to exert some strings for control of the outcome. Putting the Home Minister's servant on it will ensure that one yes woman for you. She cannot be independent, because we control her high paying civil servant salaries, not to mention that we cut her bonuses at the end of the year.

That is the problem. By putting this woman on, either you must be running on your damned ego or you are short of yes men. I have no problems for you to put your yes man on the commission but at least be discreet. Of course, you can always call up those clowns from the press room to spin the story that she would be partial and fair. I would suggest that you let some peasants publish letters complaining about the independence of the commission. Otherwise, the anger in the peasants might deepen.

Lastly, I remain convinced that you would hunt down the terrorist, but please learn to manage your ego and your highly paid ministers' ego too.

In Repressable Anger,
Uncle Screwtape

The Predator and The Prey

Dear Natascha,

Your cousin Rupert just called me from the US. Apparently, he saw the news through his minions in the US that the Interpol has now issued an urgent alert for fugitive JI leader. Obviously, he was not happy about the whole issue, given that he was worrying about our money laundering operation in Asia. He prefers the terrorists to be in the Middle East rather than in North and Southeast Asia. After all, he needs the money to cover some losses he made for the subprime mortgage.

Your crisis management on this incident is nothing but a disappointment. Till now, the terrorist is not caught yet. The most disturbing thing is that you only deployed all the three telcos to join in the hunt by sending a MMS 2 days after the incident happen. My suspicion tells me that the guy has escaped from Singapore. Shouldn't you not get these telecommunications company like SingTel, M1 and Starhub to be with you on day one? Please exert fear onto the communities or at least learn from Rupert to put up a bounty for the terrorist. Do you know that every citizen in Iraq gets US$250K for an Al Queda leader caught? Don't you have the S$6.45 budget surplus to make such a peanuts payment? Or is it the surplus recorded on paper only?

We decided to put the terrorist in Singapore because we thought that you have a good group of first class highly paid ministers to handle it. Now, your Minister of Home Affairs has created the biggest screwup of the year. Even the Internet is making a fool off him with this little funny picture I found from the notorious Sammyboy forum. Your malevolent cousin, Bob was laughing loudly when he saw the picture off my terminal in Europe. Indeed, that Minister of Home Affairs has proven to be incompetent for the whole fiasco. How can a terrorist leader not placed in a high security prison? How can he let the news out after 4 hours? He must be silly to hope since our evil Lord has decided that Murphy's law happens immediately when things start to go wrong.


Of course, it's now time to do damage control. Here are the ways for you to turn the prey into predator and predator into prey. Since he has escaped, you might want to contact your cousins lingering in Southeast Asia to whisper to his ears and get him to start a new wave of terrorist activities. We may be better off if that idiot bombed another country other than Singapore, because all our financial activities are here. We need to turn the predator into prey and that is by setting up inquiry for that useless minister.

Here is what you need to start whisper to the leaders, given that they must have given a admonishment to the minister who screwed up privately. You can start to suggest them to put a public inquiry on this. Make sure that you don't fire the minister. You can always command the Father, the Son and the Holy Goh to say hypocritical words of praise to ensure that the guy is sufficiently covered. Of course, the first thing you need to do is to find a scapegoat. It may be the prison guards and the ISD who failed to look over a terrorist. By directing public fury onto the minister, you can start working on siphoning off the attention of the peasants to somewhere else, for e.g. getting them to forget the S$6.45B surplus. If you attempt to stonewall, next time it will be difficult to raise the salaries of your minions.

I will look forward to some good news in the coming week from you.

Hatred and Evil,
Uncle Screwtape

When you give an inch, they take a yard

Dear Natascha,

From the rate that you are going, you will never be able to turn up in Johor to irritate your cousin's enemies. I am distraught by the mess that things are going. First, your highly paid ministers (with salaries fitting close to the investment bankers, the management consultants, the lawyers and those ridiculous specialist scientists) have messed up with the budget surplus. Yesterday, they have successfully let the terrorist run scot free. Now, demos in Speaker Corner review, you must be joking.

It's all about perception. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Your work with the Old Man have been good, converting him from a democratic socialist to a benevolent dictator. Nowadays with his role that created modern Singapore, nobody in the country dare to say something else. He has created the presence of fear everywhere. The solution when he dies is not to liberalize, but to evangelise his way of governance. It's to make him a legend that his way of treating opposition and the way to go for a stable and wealthy Singapore is to have a competent government.

Our spin about equating competent government to generate meagre wealth for the peasants have worked well. What happens when you allowed liberalization? You will start to see more protests, and the "foreign media" which we created will start to seep into Singapore and cause trouble. What would happen is that our money laundering operation through Singapore for the other dictators (those dumb generals from Myanmar) will be gone? How can you let protests to happen? The more the peasants start seeing opposition getting screwed would invoke more sympathy for the underdog. The benevolent dictatorship would work because the Old Man's work has created many mini-LKYs, for e.g. Phillip Yeo who can talk back to MPs and tell them off like he's the boss. We already have the infrastructure to change the top notched Ivy League scholars into a bunch of spineless, bootlicking top civil servants taking high pay but demonstrate bureaucratic incompetence.

The continued strategy I would offer to you is the following:

• Allow indoor protests and no outdoor: Don't give them Speakers Corner. Just let those useless nominated Members of Parliament to whine and whinge about the past incidents and let the bloggers just continue moaning in cyberspace. It does a few things for us. First, it encourages Wayang Party Crew, Soci, Singapore Elections Watch (SDP cronies), Jasper, Chee Soon Juan and Co to help us to smear the other opposition parties. They will just continue to be a cannon fodder until their descendants take over.
  
• Gangster Strategy from the Old Man: Always activate the old man to start an attacking campaign like the way he did to James Gomez. Of course, you should liase with your counterparts in Europe and US (you know, those spineless and hypocritical Ivy League Dons and those big organization presidents - former investment bankers like the World Bank and IMF) to invite him to World Forums and talk down to the rest of them. Get all the committees to give him awards and accolades like the ANU, and use them to incite protests in the other countries. Of course, your job is to forever put him the perpetual thinking that every political fight he is in, reminds him of the communist days, even if times have changed. His eternal retribution (created by us the demons) is that he would die with the younger generation of quitters spitting on his grave.
  
• Liberalization is useless and are for the weak: Pretend to liberalize but really always throw a hammer on them when those liberals like Catherine start opening their mouth about a post LKY era.

The important lesson is that when you give people an inch, they will want a yard. Singaporeans are greedy. The only way to treat peasants is to make sure that they have a third world mind, like those Chinese, Indian and Eastern Europeans who are lured to Singapore as foreign talent. The country will continue to grow but the people will continue to have no way to make any form of uprising. Then our domination with the sovereign wealth funds owning the western banks would be complete.

Your damned Uncle,
Screwtape

Who let the prisoner out?!

Hi Natascha,

I can see why you have not gone to Malaysia for the elections. Much to my dismay, I just saw news from our mouthpiece again. How the hell did the first class government (under our control) let a terrorist escape? Unless you are telling me that it is a conspiracy that you cooked up to divert the citizens' attention after the revelation that we have S$6.45B surplus for the budget. If that is what you intend, it is a master stroke, otherwise, it is your incompetence. If you need help,

I can always ask Rupert to whisper to the US President and ask him to send their best agents to help you for the hunt. Of course, we have tonnes of excuses for the United States to come and hunt down the terrorist. On your part, just send one of your well-paid, top, stale and boring civil servants from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs to the US Embassy and start telling the ambassador that you need help. After all, Singapore is a small country, and it should be easy to hunt down a terrorist, given that you are conducting a manhunt in an island.

You have to hunt down this idiot. The last time, Rupert dropped his ball and got the Twin Towers destroyed by airplanes. Do remember that we have billions of US dollars rendering in the banks of Singapore. A terrorist attack can cause us enormous damage. I should tell Bobby, the other demon, the managing director of the Middle East region to do some work on these guys. It must be a pain to have our financial institutions to suffer from the fear that they may get hit. Do call up our security consultants for assistance so that we can make it a big issue to divert attention on the excess surplus in the Singapore budget this year.

Come to think of it, this is a perfect opportunity for us to scare people. First, goodies, then outrage at surprise, now fear. You can try to get the Prime Minister to call for a general election. Terrorism is a perfect situation to get people to elect ruling parties to security. Even if your government is the most incompetent one like the one in the United States run by George Bush, you can still get elected for the silly reason of national security.

Anyway, just make sure that you capture the fugitive. Go and find a Tommy Lee Jones like guy from the ISD. If we pay first class salaries to all top civil servants in Singapore, we must expect first class services from them. Otherwise, our time is wasted in hell.

In Eternal Condemnation,
Uncle Screwtape

Now we got more money for .....

Dear Natascha,

Today, I received an email from your cousin in Malaysia, telling me that you are unable to help her because of the recent Budget debate in Singapore. She was telling me how the cabinet (that you have whispering to) has now managed to turn a S$0.7B deficit to S$6.45B surplus. That's fantastic work. Now we have managed to do something that none of your fellow demons manage to do with their governments: tax more and underpay. That's number one in creating a world class government in misery.

I decided to go to our mouthpiece, the Straits Times to see what is going on. I was shocked for what I saw. I thought that you told me that you have it covered. By passing it to the Indian guy, he won't be so stupid to tell the whole world that we have a S$6.45B surplus. Now our Enemy together with some of those shadow boxing PAP MPs (that are under your command) start waging a campaign to ask for the reduction of GST from 7 to 5%. It must be the stupid civil servant from Ministry of Finance who made this error. I recalled that when you sent me the projections, if we raised it by 1%, we might just get about a bit of surplus or possibly just break even. On the other hand, if it's raised 2%, you will just make a bit of surplus. Now, the surplus is overwhelming. I understand the need to be conservative, but how can the civil servant who made that calculation forget to take into account the inflated property market which we have taught our investment bankers from Goldman Sachs to Merrill Lynch to sabotage?

Of course, we liked money. Having more is better than less. Can you please start telling those bunch of PAP MPs to stop shadowboxing before the people turn on us and join our enemy? You should have told that Indian to do more creative accounting. Don't these guys know how to fudge numbers or move the money to some secret accounts in our sovereign wealth funds, for example Goverment Investment Corporation of Singapore, Temasek or our other secret account?

Now with so much surplus, which investment bank are you planning to buy? JP Morgan, Soc Gen, Credit Suisse, or HSBC? Yes, I will call your cousin in the US to allow the bribe to get through so that your sovereign wealth fund would be cleared to buy anything in the land of the rich, oops sorry, land of the free.

Please send me the telegraphic transfer of half the surplus to our bank in Cayman Islands. I would like to spend some for our evil Lord.

In Evil Note of Lust,
Uncle Screwtape