Thursday, March 27, 2008

Giving Virtual Space in a Crowded Island

Dear Natascha,

I read with pleasure yesterday that one of your ministries started a new digital interactive media initiative called co-space where the Singapore government encourage schools, industries and government agencies to develop projects that would link up both the real and virtual worlds. My sense is that this is one of your many attempts to "enlarge" the space so that the Singaporeans don't feel ostracized by the rising costs of living and the threat of foreigners who we paid to replace the dying population. The idea is slightly better than the other agency under our minions called A-STAR on search engines.

Seriously, I don't see why you place so much emphasis in making your minions to continue this fruitless science and technology development to an island. After all, this Disney Land of yours with a death penalty is traditionally a trading port, founded by one of my minions, Sir Stamford Raffles. At that point of time, his job for East India Trading Company (a multi-national corporation of that time and one of our outfits in business, compare that to the Tata group today) was out to colonize countries for resources. Singapore is meant to be a traditional port, a place where we export and import goods and a financial hub for us to launder tonnes of money whether they are from the Middle East, Russia, India or China. It is impossible for a small island with so little critical mass to build a research centre.

But the virtual space idea has some credence, I might add. First of all, it is a method to give young and cynical individuals to rant somewhere where the rest of the world don't hear them. The earliest version of such people, we called them the bloggers. Maybe the next generation of ranters would be called avatars in the virtual space. Of course, just like the politicians, we also co-opt the best and hippest to serve in our mouthpieces' (SPH and MediaCorp) ranks. If you have not realized, Xiaxue was blogging for us sometime back in STOMP. Now we dumped her as well. Remember how we threw a heavy sledge hammer at Mr Brown.

Second, virtual worlds are just fads which we placed to move people to do something else, while forgetting what's happening in the real world. The poor Singaporeans are now waiting for April Fool's day to get their cash, how ironic.

Lastly, if you are a talent in this area, where would you be? You can learn to be like this Malaysian foreign talent, who exploited your system to get a better life in America and spent his time making cynical and critical remarks about Singapore and that egomanical monkey servant of yours named Philip Yeo.

In the end, when the casinos are finally up, this whole fad of an innovation and research hub of yours would end. Unless you are thinking of paying those useless old foggies scientists from the US (who also left our shores like Sir David Lane) with our casino money, then it would come back to my hypothesis that Singapore's role in the world is not an innovation hub, but a third world trading port and financial centre for southeast asia.

Thick Face & Black Heart,
Uncle Screwtape

Monday, March 24, 2008

New Strategies of Calibrated Coercion

Dear Natascha,

It looks like change is going on with the various political landscapes in Asia from Pakistan to Taiwan. I just heard from your Uncle Mo in Taiwan that they dumped the party of Chen Shui Bian and now elected a new guy (who's on our side) named Ma Ying-jeou into the Taiwan presidency. What I liked about him is that he is coaxing his own kind to join back the communist regime we installed in mainland China many years back. That will mean new capitalist expansion for us, for that dumb Chen kept touting the independence of Taiwan. That will provide new battleground for us to deal with our enemies in the United States.

Of course, I was annoyed by our Enemy's assistance to Barack Obama with his speech on race. I told Rupert to get our mouthpiece in US (Fox News and CNN) to start the smearing. I thought that Rupert's idea of calling Bill Richardson "Judas" was funny. It worries that this Obama fever is now hitting the guillible young Singaporeans in your territory. I told Rupert to spend more time to help Hillary Clinton to beat him and the only way is to use divisive tactics and inexperience to tear down this half black and half white man. After all, who needs change and better politics where the old school of divide and conquer matters?

That is why I wrote to you. Of course, I wonder which idiot from the Other Side has told Cherian George the central tenet of our strategy to hold power: calibrated coercion. With the Obama fever hitting Singapore, we need new ways and means to deal with these people. I believe that the way to do this is to have a new Chee Soon Juan among the ranks of the bloggers and we would use our old ways of defamation and character assassination to send this individual to hell.

What is the pragmatic implementation you might ask, my dear niece. First, as usual, start with the goodies again. First, you bribed the Singaporeans in April like what you did before in the last elections, while keeping your GST and tax hikes after the election. Of course, now with the impact of Natalie's incompetence with the Malaysians, you need to give goodies during non-election years. Second, start useless charity foundations like this one called NTUC foundation and create low cost mini-marts to sell poor quality groceries to look like that the ruling party cares about the poor. After all, isn't this really funny that we own the unions which are supposed to be independent? Third, prepare the next Obama to be destroyed. I have a few choices which you can start working on: Mr Brown, Mr Wang, Yawning Bread (given that he saw through our Internal Security Act tactic) and Aaron Ng (since he is a supporter of this so-called change politics). These people can urge big crowds, and so we start with illegal assembly and tonnes of military mobilization to jail those young idealistic idiots (likely we only get a handful and not 2,000 to 3,000 students in the Tiananmen massacre)

Use this strategy of calibrated coercion wisely and effectively, you must give some and take more. Why do I mean that? You can liberalize porn but then attack the liberals like Catherine Lim. You can jail our indoctrinated SDP members to induce fear to the populace. You can try to acquire Google or Yahoo! to get the search records and those pseudonym bloggers who have been thwarting our Internet efforts. Always have two classes of members of parliament: those like Lily Neo who would fight for the poor and those cabinet ministers who don't want to give public assistance to the poor and elderly. After all, why care where they are all white and not black? Worst case scenario, you can try to convert bloggers to join us, perhaps get Xiaxue to run for elections.

No matter how Singaporeans try, they would fail to change the politics of divisiveness to politics of hope. That's because we have locked them in a third class world with our calibrated coercion and bribes.

Hate is the answer to all problems,
Uncle Screwtape

Thursday, March 20, 2008

On Double Dealing Government Linked Companies and Retired Civil Servant

Dear Natascha,

What a bad Friday this was. Once again, it was another year that our Enemy have managed to further their existence. I once recalled back long time, I took time to write a set of letters to a younger demon on how to corrupt a minion on the other side. However, we still have to work on such long days.

Recently, everyone has been hammering on the credibility of our mouthpieces, from Cherian George (that academic seem to have an understanding called calibrated coercion) to that retired hypocrite former civil servant named Ngiam Tong How. All these people can do would only be talk, talk and talk. I did made a point earlier about why Ngiam Tong How, a self-praised mandarin of the Civil Service can only talk but do nothing against the establishment. He is sounding like a broken record, trying to set things right after joining us for messing up the system from scholars to the bureaucracy of the Civil Service. With the high salaries we gave him, he had already become part of our machinery to continue the work of our Dark Lord.

If he is such an accomplished civil servant, he would have realized why we would never liberalize our mouthpieces. The answer is simple: Power. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. It made me cringe with these hypocritical so-called civil society old folks started to rail against the government, but with an inherent desire that they wish to be armchair critics. If Ngiam that old barking dog is not with us, then he is against us. Going around and making useless speeches like these would not help. He must be given a rebuke. You need to start getting the Old Man out to teach him a lesson, or let Ngiam have a gaffe such that we can create tremendous press to discredit him.

Let me change the subject to businesses in your disney land with a death penalty. I heard that one of our telecommunications companies have secured the contract for the Champions League. I notice that the local agencies have started a campaign to teach ESPN, the foreign corporation which we seduced here with exemption of taxes. First, Starhub has double dealed against ESPN with the Premiere League and now Singtel with the Champions League. These companies are so silly. Looks like one of our minions Murdoch has gotten the right idea to take over media companies and control the cable television. I am amazed on how we set up trojan horses for these foreign companies which turned up here in Singapore. The only possibility of survival is to use Singapore as a HQ and put casinos to get these top executives in these foreign corporations to pay us indirect taxes.

I am not happy now with the news that the Soverign Wealth Funds of Singapore and UAE are now compromising with the government of US. It would make life difficult for our money operation in the future.

Bad Bad Friday,
Uncle Screwtape

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Taking the heat off the Incompetent

Dear Natascha,

It's not a good week to write this letter, as we are close to the holiday of our Enemy. After all, they need to pass sermons and hymns to celebrate their success against our evil Lord. I always hope that there are no holidays so that we can drive people to overwork and hate their lives.

So, our converted people from the SDP have taken a confrontational front against our minions. The mad woman who we have slowly indoctrinated is now demanding that our barking dogs to produce evidence about her famous "bite". Of course, her poor chinese education did not tell her that if we want to add crimes on them, it's so easy. It's so simple to ensure that they would get more offenses. Proof? Where?

I see that you are trying to get the Home Minister on the good books with the people. But I do not understand why he is making useless speeches on asking policymakers to take risks and be willing to experiment. Did he not know that the Civil Service, one of our unholy trinity, pride on being anal-retentive, bureaucratic, boring and inflexible? They are trained since the beginning to take orders and to take cover so that they would do no maverick. All they are just shells, graduated with the finest degrees from the Ivy Leagues but end up as useless walking machines everyday doing boring work. Did you not see how we waste pretty faces with top degrees to bring foreign guests around in the Economic Development Board like some whores? Of course, how can we have an unfair inquiry on the escape of that terrorist?

Enough of our slaves. I have read with displeasure that the blogosphere is now spreading news about the old and poor people. Did I not tell you that you need to get all these useless old men and women to old folks home or some random hospices where they could not be seen? Now they are lurking all around for our Enemies to start featuring them on the blogs. Of course, with our need to boost our own finances, thanks to the subprime mess in Wall Street, we cannot increase the public assistance fund. Be sure to tell that minister of yours to stone wall on that. Use excuses like "We cannot give money because that would erode our work ethic" such that the other Singaporeans can do nothing but sympathize with these old folks. As long as the rest of the populace are willing to vote us in, we can have our minions paid high salaries and continue our fee and tax hikes whatever we damn hell please.

So, it's not a good Friday to come, and do continue to spin our lies and deceit, spread the word of our Evil Lord and weave more misery for the middle class with rising costs of living.

Ultimately, victory is ours if we savour it.

Hate is the best medicine,
Uncle Screwtape

Monday, March 17, 2008

Global Markets, Tibet and Opposition Down Our Throats

Dear Natascha,

I read your new email with guffaw. That's because our mouthpieces are continuing with the falsehoods which we want them to propagate on the opposition. It pleases me to see them screaming in pain and anger. Together with our own placements in cyberspace, for example, the grassroots pro-PAP member named Lucky Tan, SDP is associated with words like militant and trouble makers.

Don't these morons ever learn? There are two kinds of people who we corrupt. First, the ones who are in power and those who have resorted to extreme methods and justified their own crap with freedom and democracy. Now, they have lost some money again to us. Every $1000 bail they pay are feeding our dogs to bark louder at them. So much for those monkeys. Their existence is to help us to ensure that the other moderate party (belong to our Enemy) would be smeared together.

A lot of things have happened in the past 24 hours. Just when the investment banks affected by the subprime mortgage crisis (Merrill Lynch, Citigroup and UBS) were covered by your sovereign wealth funds (GIC and Temasek), now another mess started popping up. Now, Bear Stearns is now acquired at US$2 by another investment bank, JP Morgan. I told Rupert to continue the chaos and get the Federal Reserve to continue cutting interest rates. Of course, we have a sinister motive in mind. With the US$ reduced, we would induce livelihood problems for every one else who is on our Enemy's side. I expect you to activate our soverign wealth funds for new fresh investments.

I believe that you need to start looking around your own backyard. The housing market in Singapore is reaching a standstill. It would be important to remind the Minister for housing to start controlling prices, before the bubble of the housing boom begin to bust. That comes to something which comes to my attention. How did you let those people in Gillman Heights protest against the en-bloc? Looks like your en-bloc lies have finally caught up with you. Still, you have managed to convince those greedy Singaporeans to cash out with their houses and downgrad to poorer houses. Of course, do keep track of these losers who would start voting our minions to power again.

The other issue which I need to notify you is the Tibet issue. Those human rights idiots from our Enemy side are making noise again. I know why they are up to. Their reason is to stop the Chinese from making the Olympics happen. Do make sure that our Enemy don't get the United Nations involved. I believe your uncle in China would stone wall and continue with military crackdown with those protesters and if possible, gun them down.

Continue our work with flourishing evil,
Uncle Screwtape

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Victors as King and Losers as Slaves

Dear Natascha,

I have just read your email this morning after you notified about the "protest" happened outside the parliament house. As you understand that it is still morning to have a cup of English Breakfast over here in London, I decided to defer my letter to you later. The Internet is a beautiful piece of technology that has enhanced the frontline between our Enemy and us. Speed, as my Chinese counterpart lingering in China told me, is the key to our victory.

Seriously, I laughed out loud at the protest happened in the Parliament House. It's just 20 people. This is nothing compared to how our enemy has mobilized half a million protestors when we managed to seduce George and Tony both to launch the war in Iraq. How can 20 people made such a difference? In fact, our mouthpieces (Straits Times and Channel News Asia) are so disgraceful in putting up so little pictures for these clowns, with their typical brand of smearing, consider our enemy (The Online Citizen) have done a better job in making them look like idiots with videos.

What really made me laugh all the time, is that these idiots from the Singapore Democratic Party could actually bite the hand that helps them (TOC) by sending internet assassins to smear them by association with our minions. That baffles me sometimes about human nature, although we firmly believe that human nature is evil, from the day, our Enemy threw Adam and Eve down to Earth. Actually, you should start whisper to our mouthpiece to be as bold as these SDP sympathisers so that the Singaporeans can start feeling more helpless about their situation and more hopeless that they would always be colonized by the ruling oligarchy called PAP. In fact, to stop the minions of our Enemy like Cherian George to criticise our mouthpiece for lack of credibility, they should post more youtube videos and flickr photos to boost their nothing left reputation for being a yes-man.

I mused to myself when I heard this blogger made this remark which smacks of cowardice and that's the reason why these opposition would fail. Even their sympathisers are making a quick run when our barking dogs (the police) have taken control of the situation:

"Then one by one, the police arrested each member of the group that locked arms. There were around 15 arrests in total. I did not photograph the arrests itself as I was myself decked in red and did not wish to approach closer. Pseudonymity the blogger did a superb job of that.

I sat down, stunned and shocked at the sheer high-handedness of the police. Someone came up to me and said LaMei and I should change out of our red T-shirts, lest we get arrested as well.

Later on, when the police dispersed, we changed back to normal attire, and wanted to head to Cantonment with some friends who were next of kind of the protesters to find out more.

Just then, a Straits Times reporter came up to me and abruptly asked me, why have I changed back to normal attire?"

You see, this is the reason why the cabinet ministers who served us are always winning the number of seats in the parliament. Even if those dumb peasants out there can cough out 50% of the vote, they cannot take out the GRC poison well we made for them. In fact, someone (must be an operative under our Enemy) has demonstrated the statistical reasoning behind our secret for success. In fact, the real reason of our success is to have "competent" ministers to anchor on each and everyone of these GRC, and that would ensure that the peasants would have no choice but to vote for our cause.

My Chinese counterpart once told me of this saying, “胜者为王 败者为寇” and no matter what these miniscule opposition tried to do on World Consumer Rights Day event, they would bound to fail. In fact, you can always rub salt on their wounds by conning a few of those European expatriates to do the same thing and have no interference from the police. That would continue to tell these monkeys that we have a double standards treatment, but telling them straight on the face, "So what, we are the government, and we can do whatever we please even if we can let these ang-mohs protest and you can."

While all these little fiascos are happening, I am happy to hear from you that you have gotten your useless Home Minister to stone wall on the inquiry.

Evil laughter all over,
Uncle Screwtape

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Damage Control Begins

Dear Natascha,

Looks like your new efforts for a PR offensive with the Singaporeans have begun. I was taking a peek on our prestigious mouthpiece and saw that a cabinet minister has made one of those patronizing remarks that it is healthy to ask if government is doing enough. I am dead certain that they would be doing "enough" to ensure that no GRC would fall into the hands of our enemy. In fact, I was musing to myself that the government started spreading scientific fallacies like recent heavy rain not caused by global warming. Already our number one grassroots supporter Lucky Tan has told his fellow peasants that voting for the opposition would have severe impact on the economy.

Already some of the bloggers like that wimpy Mr Wang have raised the white flag before the propaganda from our enemy has started on the bloggers in setting them to move to politics. If you have not read, one of these centrist bloggers already started to make politically correct comments like "The strength of the local blogging community is that they are non-political. Once you have bloggers entering politics, it undermines the purity of blogging, because bloggers are supposed to be neutral." What purity is that. Let me issue a word of sense to such stupidity of this blogger in general. Either you are with us or you are against us.

Standing on a fence is just silly. Of course, the better joke comes from the so-called Singapore Democratic Party who asked the peasants to hope. False hope is what they are preaching, because you have already converted them to our side, by being our indirect proxies to screw the friends of our enemy. Did they not realize that the fact that we have already controlled the economics of the country would ensure that we would hold them to their balls? Ultimately, Singaporeans are worried about their livelihoods. Looks like your understanding of economics supercede your cousin Natalie who made a mess in Malaysia with corruption and rising costs of living.

In our evil world where we corrupt the smartest to be the dumbest like what your cousin Rupert has successfully sent the famous Eliot Spitzer (hero from our enemy side in his attempts to hammer our investment banks and insurance companies) into shame with that prostitute ring. Man can resist anything except temptation. Now he is back to the typical politician's excuse of spending time with his family.

While you spent your time to "fix" the opposition, I would urge you to look north to see how the flu epidemic that our Evil Lord has unleashed on Hong Kong. Of course, make sure your minions, particularly the Health Minister do not screw up like the Home Minister last week. If you are on cruise control on stopping the bleeding for our domination, we would not need to worry about those silly bloggers making empty vessels and stay neutral.

Lust, my favourite sin,
Uncle Screwtape

Monday, March 10, 2008

Fearmongering 101: Black Monday and Stock Market

Dear Natascha,

Your cousin Natalie is becoming the death of me. Yesterday, after the surprising tsunami that changed the Malaysian political landscape, the Malaysian stock markets have suffered a big slump. With some of our cronies gone, the investors (who bribed our cronies) are planning an exit strategy. She was afraid that our evil Lord would send her to exile to another outpost, perhaps, Bhutan, where she could do nothing there. With the Barisan Nasional (BN) coalition winning only 63%, our financial operations might take a big hit pretty soon coupled with the horrible subprime mortgage crisis from the United States.

I see Black Monday for the Kuala Lumpur Composite Index (KLCI) as a new opportunity rather than a crisis for us. I can only blame on those spineless investment bankers from Goldman Sachs and Merrill Lynch for taking the chance to tell their investors that it was time to cash out. Of course, the investors are afraid that their pork barrel projects in the Malaysia economic zones would fall apart, and hence they start to take cover. It is a herd effect, as I see it. Our Enemy has made some efforts to rebut us, particularly, those MPs in the opposition from Penang has already started with the message that they would welcome investment. It is not enough because all those management consultants, investment bankers and industry leaders are all on our side. In fact, it is a perfect ploy for you to plan your strategy for the next Singapore General Elections in 2011.

The keyword is fearmongering. You can start with George, your favourite closet liberal foreign minister, by talking up that a political change in Singapore would cause problems in the economy. You need to hammer this slowly like how those epidemics start from small interactions and subsequently hitting the tipping point. If we do it slow and steady, by 2011, the peasants would start thinking that if they are constantly made to fear that if they elect the opposition parties and win one more GRC, the Singapore ST Index will fall and jobs will be lost. Spin it more with high unemployment rates and high risk of losing foreign investment from the US and China and once again, we would win 82 out of 84 seats in the parliament. Trust me, with how brainless and money-faced Singaporeans are, you can imagine where their votes would end up. Of course, always end with the Minister Mentor and his gangster message that the opposition would send Singapore to hell if they won the elections.

You might need some grassroots support, for example, Lucky Tan, to continue telling the blogosphere how good the Singapore government is and what a big risk that the Malaysian voters are taking or try the bimbo blogger, Molly Meek, with her singing praises of the Prime Minister's leadership. The other bloggers will cry foul of fearmongering but continue to do that would be fantastic.

I am not so worried about you, because the opposition in Singapore is not business friendly. As long as they don't understand economics, they would always lose. After all, what's freedom of speech if you cannot feed yourself? As long as they have no understanding of business, they are no way close to those people in Penang. That would be the key to how we utilise stock market crises for our own benefit.

Continue on our evil work, as chaos only serve us better on the long run.

With no intended pun,
Uncle Screwtape

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Mapping out the Strategy for the next General Elections 2011

Dear Natascha,

I called your cousin Natalia yesterday and gave her a dressing down, as instructed by our Evil dark Lord. I cannot believe that she has made a big mess with the Malaysian General Elections held last Saturday. How can the political landscape in Malaysia changed within one night? I am disappointed that our minions in Barisan Nationalis have lost two thirds of the majority for a ruling coalition and now even our ex-minion Dr Mahatir has lashed out at his own successor, asking him to step down. I know why he did that, because he has always wanted Najib. Thanks to the Malay voters, who decided that they had enough with the UMNO, they have changed sides for the first time, and gave us the perfect storm which caused us to lose our turf in Malaysia.

The reason why I wrote to you, is because I have started to see some bloggers like this one (who keeps calling himself Dr) in Singapore starting to use this as an incident to revolt against our minions here in Singapore. You know the consequences, my dear niece. Should we got a GRC lost in the next Singapore General Elections 2011, I fear that my Lord would punish you with eternal pain. In Malaysia, I heard that the bloggers who had contested for the general election like that one called Jeff Ooi (who Natalie failed to silence). So, I urge you to stop being complacent like that useless Minister of Home Affairs and start bouncing back for the coming times.

Here are some strategies which I would like you to start executing:
  • Putting Legislation and Regulation on New Media: Start the registration act, and ostracize the bloggers. I am not so worried about bloggers like Catherine Lim, Mr Brown, Dr Huang, Mr Wang and even those fellas in The Online Citizen joining the opposition and starting to contest elections. Given past history, they are gutless and fearful of losing their well-endowed lives and become like Chee Soon Juan and JBJ. In fact, if any blogger tries to do a Jeff Ooi, we would make sure that our defamation lawsuits and dirty political tactics (fearmongering, gerrymandering and pork barrel politics to bribe the grassroots and useless peasants) would prevail. You must start to tell your minion to drop the light touch approach and throw a heavy hand. Also start co-opting some bloggers to the Dark Side, for example, Kway Teow Man and Bart since they talked like the government's mouthpiece.
  • Make sure the GRC boundaries are properly drawn: Be sure that the electoral map must be made in the advantage of the PAP. Make sure this time for Aijunied, please carve a bigger part from Marine Parade such that Goh would have 66.6% of the popular vote, while George Yeo would hit 60% of the popular vote too!
  • Give more "ang-pows" to the people like the God of Fortune: Of course, this year, that Indian Finance minsiter in the government is now handing out money again to bribe the populace. Of course, we can always introduce stealth taxes in transport and also start to tighten our grassroots people. You need to start getting smarter Yes-men, and not those who would go and invest the town council funds into stock markets. Of course, you must give away more money to look poor, so that the people have forgotten about how rich our sovereign wealth funds: Temasek and GIC are. From now to 2011, start having GSToffset, tax rebates and Progress packages for Singaporeans every year. Buying their loyalty needs slow bribery of three years.
  • Fire those incumbent and incompetent ministers in the name of leadership transition: That prime minister has already indicated that he need to get the 4th generation leadership in place. It is time to fire the old and dead wood. I do think that the old man is becoming a liability. Of course, you do not know what the double faced SM Goh is doing. I am afraid that he might do a Mahatir on his successor. First thing first, fire that useless Minister of Home Affairs.
After all these strategies are mapped out to you, please execute them. By the way, make sure that your ministers are not dumb enough like the Malaysian one who called bloggers "monkeys". Remember the Macaca incident in the US which caused a senator to lose his job and bid for presidency.

Your Evil Uncle,

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Time to Select those new Yes-men

Dear Natascha,

Thankfully, the crisis is still ongoing. But I read with pleasure about your latest letter on the release of the GCE 'A' level results. Once again, it is that time of the year to select new scholars from the top junior colleges in Singapore for our gigantic bureaucratic machine.

Of course, since the dawn of time, we have planned it in such a way that the best and the brightest would have no choice but to go for these bonded scholarships (which we made them suffer later at the ends of their bureaucratic and double faced seniors in Ivy League schools). Oftentimes, I am happy with the selection but sometimes, the system will spit out those who would rebel the system (for example, that little spoilt brat who insulted that ex-chairman from the A-STAR and some loser scholars serving out their painful bonds). Sometimes, I wonder how 18 year old kids can be so dumb to sign their future away to our minions.

Perhaps, they are poor but smart. Even if they got the scholarships and do well in the Ivy League, with the wrong family name or background, where would they go? Didn't the retired Justice's daughter is now the chairperson of a board now? Did they not realize that their parents have already determined their capped ceiling for them when they signed their lives away? Of course, these morons are cast in the limelight of our favourite mouthpiece with their success stories. Vanity is my favourite sin, as we cast these spoilt brats from the top junior colleges (fanned together by greed and lust for glory and a trophy in getting a scholarship), they would fall to our temptation. I do recall a distant past where a little midget named Gayle who signed on with the Dark Side. That's how powerful we are. No matter how much integrity and backbone these young 18 year olds claim to have, we would shatter and break them to become our evil minions. Who would be so stupid to refuse big money in the far future where they are promoted to permanent secretaries and members of parliament?

I must say that your way of indoctrinating these kids to become part of our machinery is amazing. With the help of your cousins in London and New York, you have led these young kids to the realm of taking drugs (for once) or become pornographic stars (like that young girl named Annabelle Chong). Of course, who would not be impressed that we have made them go wild, particular the women (of some who broke their bonds to be comfort women for their caucasian husbands). Of course, your way of organizing them within their own cliques will pave their way to ignore the influence of western media and stop them for being led astray. Of course, we would lose a few of them to our Enemy in the name of western democracy.

Continue with our efforts and you would be rewarded with elites who would continue to be a bunch of spineless fools to the policies which would harm the peasants of the country.

Deep in Vanity,
Uncle Screwtape

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Making Good News out of nothing at All

Dear Natascha,

Finally, some good tidings from you. Your sovereign wealth fund, GIC has finally controlled 9.5% in UBS. Finally, the Europeans have finally accepted the fact that they would be colonized. Of course, with UBS done, Citigroup and Merrill Lynch would be in our hands. We need to spin new financial derivatives to generate hype and bust economies for our money laundering operation.

Speaking of which, our mouthpiece have now changed the tone of news for the past few days. First, you got them to tell everyone that Singapore is the best place to live for Asia expats. Definitely, with the expensive casinos from Sands and Genting spreading their golden goose to lay eggs here and the F1 race running around the faked London Eye-lookalike called Singapore Flyer, we would want to get more of those people here. Once the new immigrants come, particularly the rich and the famous, you would start to see more liberalization, maybe you can start to whisper to the leaders that it's time for soft core pornography in Singapore.

I saw the second news about that 4th University going to be a medium size one here. Honestly, this method of appeasing the peasants with another university to put their kids in would not work. If they get a little richer, they would send them to those fun-loving Australian universities, particularly ANU and UNSW. My guess is that with so many universities, the government would generate more no-brain knowledge workers for the high tech jobs to be outsourced away from India to Singapore. That's of course the wishful thinking in the leaders' head.

The final good news which I think that you have made the peasants slow forgetting about the incompetence of the Home Minister is the idea of consumers will get greater protection under a strengthened law covering fair business practices. Of course, you would continue to put bad taxi drivers, bad restaurant waiters and waitresses and bad service providers from the banks to the fashion boutique shops that would irritate the hell out of the peasants.

Let congratulate on the good news you start to propagate.

Bad Luck Awaits,
Uncle Screwtape

Monday, March 03, 2008

Short of Yes Men Lately?

Dear Natascha,

We have been corresponded a lot with each other lately. Our dark Lord has asked me to put more attention into the events happening on your little red dot. He was unhappy about the performance of the Home Minister and asked me why you have persuaded the Old Man to fire him. After all, in the United Kingdom, where I am humbly from, any minister who committed a mistake would be ransacked by the press. Oh I forgot, you don't have a credible press to start off with in the first place.

That comes to my other point. That independent commission of inquiry you have assembled was disappointing and provided additional ammunition for the peasants, particularly those bleeding hearts like Mr Wang to start moaning and whinging about it. Let me recall the list of three commission members appointed to carry out the inquiry: retired High Court judge Goh Joon Seng, former Commissioner of Police Tee Tua Ba, who is now Singapore's Ambassador to the United Arab Emirates, and Dr Choong May Ling, Deputy Secretary (Security and Corporate Services) of the Ministry of Home Affairs.

The first two appointees looks independent at least from the face. But the last one is really shooting yourself in the foot. Even a five year old kid can tell you that it is a conflict of interest. I know your strategy. To ensure a hearing that bears no consequences for that useless home minister, you need to exert some strings for control of the outcome. Putting the Home Minister's servant on it will ensure that one yes woman for you. She cannot be independent, because we control her high paying civil servant salaries, not to mention that we cut her bonuses at the end of the year.

That is the problem. By putting this woman on, either you must be running on your damned ego or you are short of yes men. I have no problems for you to put your yes man on the commission but at least be discreet. Of course, you can always call up those clowns from the press room to spin the story that she would be partial and fair. I would suggest that you let some peasants publish letters complaining about the independence of the commission. Otherwise, the anger in the peasants might deepen.

Lastly, I remain convinced that you would hunt down the terrorist, but please learn to manage your ego and your highly paid ministers' ego too.

In Repressable Anger,
Uncle Screwtape

Saturday, March 01, 2008

The Predator and The Prey

Dear Natascha,

Your cousin Rupert just called me from the US. Apparently, he saw the news through his minions in the US that the Interpol has now issued an urgent alert for fugitive JI leader. Obviously, he was not happy about the whole issue, given that he was worrying about our money laundering operation in Asia. He prefers the terrorists to be in the Middle East rather than in North and Southeast Asia. After all, he needs the money to cover some losses he made for the subprime mortgage.

Your crisis management on this incident is nothing but a disappointment. Till now, the terrorist is not caught yet. The most disturbing thing is that you only deployed all the three telcos to join in the hunt by sending a MMS 2 days after the incident happen. My suspicion tells me that the guy has escaped from Singapore. Shouldn't you not get these telecommunications company like SingTel, M1 and Starhub to be with you on day one? Please exert fear onto the communities or at least learn from Rupert to put up a bounty for the terrorist. Do you know that every citizen in Iraq gets US$250K for an Al Queda leader caught? Don't you have the S$6.45 budget surplus to make such a peanuts payment? Or is it the surplus recorded on paper only?

We decided to put the terrorist in Singapore because we thought that you have a good group of first class highly paid ministers to handle it. Now, your Minister of Home Affairs has created the biggest screwup of the year. Even the Internet is making a fool off him with this little funny picture I found from the notorious Sammyboy forum. Your malevolent cousin, Bob was laughing loudly when he saw the picture off my terminal in Europe. Indeed, that Minister of Home Affairs has proven to be incompetent for the whole fiasco. How can a terrorist leader not placed in a high security prison? How can he let the news out after 4 hours? He must be silly to hope since our evil Lord has decided that Murphy's law happens immediately when things start to go wrong.

Of course, it's now time to do damage control. Here are the ways for you to turn the prey into predator and predator into prey. Since he has escaped, you might want to contact your cousins lingering in Southeast Asia to whisper to his ears and get him to start a new wave of terrorist activities. We may be better off if that idiot bombed another country other than Singapore, because all our financial activities are here. We need to turn the predator into prey and that is by setting up inquiry for that useless minister.

Here is what you need to start whisper to the leaders, given that they must have given a admonishment to the minister who screwed up privately. You can start to suggest them to put a public inquiry on this. Make sure that you don't fire the minister. You can always command the Father, the Son and the Holy Goh to say hypocritical words of praise to ensure that the guy is sufficiently covered. Of course, the first thing you need to do is to find a scapegoat. It may be the prison guards and the ISD who failed to look over a terrorist. By directing public fury onto the minister, you can start working on siphoning off the attention of the peasants to somewhere else, for e.g. getting them to forget the S$6.45B surplus. If you attempt to stonewall, next time it will be difficult to raise the salaries of your minions.

I will look forward to some good news in the coming week from you.

Hatred and Evil,
Uncle Screwtape