I called your cousin Natalia yesterday and gave her a dressing down, as instructed by our Evil dark Lord. I cannot believe that she has made a big mess with the Malaysian General Elections held last Saturday. How can the political landscape in Malaysia changed within one night? I am disappointed that our minions in Barisan Nationalis have lost two thirds of the majority for a ruling coalition and now even our ex-minion Dr Mahatir has lashed out at his own successor, asking him to step down. I know why he did that, because he has always wanted Najib. Thanks to the Malay voters, who decided that they had enough with the UMNO, they have changed sides for the first time, and gave us the perfect storm which caused us to lose our turf in Malaysia.
The reason why I wrote to you, is because I have started to see some bloggers like this one (who keeps calling himself Dr) in Singapore starting to use this as an incident to revolt against our minions here in Singapore. You know the consequences, my dear niece. Should we got a GRC lost in the next Singapore General Elections 2011, I fear that my Lord would punish you with eternal pain. In Malaysia, I heard that the bloggers who had contested for the general election like that one called Jeff Ooi (who Natalie failed to silence). So, I urge you to stop being complacent like that useless Minister of Home Affairs and start bouncing back for the coming times.
Here are some strategies which I would like you to start executing:
- Putting Legislation and Regulation on New Media: Start the registration act, and ostracize the bloggers. I am not so worried about bloggers like Catherine Lim, Mr Brown, Dr Huang, Mr Wang and even those fellas in The Online Citizen joining the opposition and starting to contest elections. Given past history, they are gutless and fearful of losing their well-endowed lives and become like Chee Soon Juan and JBJ. In fact, if any blogger tries to do a Jeff Ooi, we would make sure that our defamation lawsuits and dirty political tactics (fearmongering, gerrymandering and pork barrel politics to bribe the grassroots and useless peasants) would prevail. You must start to tell your minion to drop the light touch approach and throw a heavy hand. Also start co-opting some bloggers to the Dark Side, for example, Kway Teow Man and Bart since they talked like the government's mouthpiece.
- Make sure the GRC boundaries are properly drawn: Be sure that the electoral map must be made in the advantage of the PAP. Make sure this time for Aijunied, please carve a bigger part from Marine Parade such that Goh would have 66.6% of the popular vote, while George Yeo would hit 60% of the popular vote too!
- Give more "ang-pows" to the people like the God of Fortune: Of course, this year, that Indian Finance minsiter in the government is now handing out money again to bribe the populace. Of course, we can always introduce stealth taxes in transport and also start to tighten our grassroots people. You need to start getting smarter Yes-men, and not those who would go and invest the town council funds into stock markets. Of course, you must give away more money to look poor, so that the people have forgotten about how rich our sovereign wealth funds: Temasek and GIC are. From now to 2011, start having GSToffset, tax rebates and Progress packages for Singaporeans every year. Buying their loyalty needs slow bribery of three years.
- Fire those incumbent and incompetent ministers in the name of leadership transition: That prime minister has already indicated that he need to get the 4th generation leadership in place. It is time to fire the old and dead wood. I do think that the old man is becoming a liability. Of course, you do not know what the double faced SM Goh is doing. I am afraid that he might do a Mahatir on his successor. First thing first, fire that useless Minister of Home Affairs.
Your Evil Uncle,
Screwtape
